By Lara/ Trace
OK, I had my 9-9 birthday and survived it on a SUPER MOON. In numerology, your life is four phases. When I hit this one, age 58, (yikes) I started my fourth.
But lately, so much anger has been pouring out of me! Not because of a birthday… It’s because I have lost a good friend Brent from a heart attack, and my other friend Ben is in the ICU and we don’t know if he’ll make it. I have never cried so much – at the drop of a hat – even TV commercials – especially dogs, I cry, cry, cry. I’m not complaining. Hey, I can feel. I feel so much, it’s like I can’t turn it off! I had trouble feeling anything for YEARS – like I couldn’t feel- and when that changed, the “feeling floodgates” opened. That is where I am today. (The Moons can trigger emotional outbursts, too. It can make some people crazier than usual.)
Just so you know: My name change is official. 30+ years ago I changed my name to Trace – first it was Tracy Ann on my fake birth certificate. Earlier it was Laura Jean Thrall on my real birth certificate. Getting done with DeMeyer – that took longer (writing with a name does that) – which was EGO – on my part. Many adoptees I know are doing the name change right now – it’s going to be a BIG trend, I predict!
I was talking with a childhood friend and told her if I had not opened my adoption at age 22 – I’d be dead. This is absolutely true. Adoptees who committed suicide, I get them and know why. Living like that, blanked out, no identity, can kill you. Not being able to know the truth or find your people, that can kill you. I can’t sugar-coat it. I can’t say I was grateful. I’m not grateful. How can anyone be grateful for being abandoned, erased, then lied to? (In my case I was rejected by my own mother Helen when I found her.)
If I had my real name when I was adopted, a clear explanation of why I was abandoned/put up for adoption, that would have helped. If my adoptive parents could have told me something real, true, it would have helped ME handle what happened. If they knew about adoption and what it did to me, I seriously doubt they would have done it… I wrote this before: I shut down. Switched off. Nothing was real. I was a fixture of my own imagination! This is no way to live, believe me. When I found Helen, and she made her choice to not meet me, I chose something else and met her family, not her.
We adoptees have to survive so much, from the moment we arrive. It’s a minefield of emotions. Adoption can kill us or make us strong. I chose strong.
I want mothers to know – no matter what religions or adoption propaganda says, don’t do it. Don’t put your child up for adoption. Just don’t.
All the years your child is with other parents, you can’t turn back the clock. You won’t get them back the way you want or might expect. It can’t be undone.
Again, this is how I feel. I don’t speak for all adoptees….Lara
Lately I saved up some of the BEST effing writing on adoption (links below)
***The Only Words I Have Are Effwords here
I’ve had it. I’m so tired of the constant, self-justifying drone of “not MY adoption” and “My baby was left by the side of the road/is a Real True Orphan/was totally gonna die.” So fuck international adoption. Fuck “We didn’t know.” And if you can’t do the amount of homework and research to add someone to your family that you’d put into buying a used car, then fuck you and fuck your expectations of sympathy.
***Trigger Happy: Adoptees Who Are Successful Even When Living Triggered – Part 2
***Legalized Lies – Colorado OBC – LINK
P.S.: I am wrapping up my brand new book BECOMING (as Laramie Harlow) and will post on this blog when it’s done. I started it about two years ago and it has lots of true stories, funny stories, some prose. It definitely has some thoughts on adoption, too. Here are 11 reasons why you’ll want to read it >>>HERE
BONUS:::: Here are a few interesting websites to peruse…
This audio report from BBC News looks into a “telepathy breakthrough” made by neuroscientists at Harvard University, who demonstrated how technology can be used to send a mental message from one person to another without any contact between them.