When the sh*t really hit the fan on faceb**k

ICWAGraphic1By Lara/Trace

The sh*t really hit the fan last week when a good friend of mine shut down a Facebook group page. (She’d emailed me while she was deciding, so I knew and agreed.) (She shut down a group, not her own profile.) (I rarely went to that group page.)

I’m not naming names but it was for adoptees.

I got emails instantly – people thinking it was my page. (Uh, no, it’s not.) Why are you abandoning us? (What?) What’s going to happen to us? (Nothing.)

I mean this – Facebook is not the place to share personal tragic stuff. It’s not private. Even if it says it’s private or closed, it’s not!

It’s a total game changer when you think about who is reading or posting on groups when you have never met them in person – they could be anyone (FBI, doctors, psychos) and not even adopted. (Like pyscho-babbling students who want to study you and do their masters thesis on you – yuck) (Hey, it’s already happened!!) (Or your future employers who will see how emotionally messed up you are.) (Or the one or two I have met in person and knew instantly they need to be in a hospital.)

Some of these adoptees are sick, very sick. They are hanging on to their grief like it’s the only thing left. I told a few to seek out an elder and make sure you bring a gift and money and tobacco. (It’s expected you pay them something if they are counseling you.) (Men counsel men and women counsel women.)

I tell you what – adoptees don’t know this until you tell them.  That is f*cking tragic.  Adoption ripped our heads into shreds.

I think that whole faceb**k mess created some new form of addiction – some adoptees are literally sucked into this non-reality. They were isolated by adoption, yes. And it hurts to think about it but a faceb**k group is not the place to go when you need help.

I had a long talk with an elder about this and he said what adoptees need is ceremony. Indeed. We need their tribes to step up and offer them that. With clear instructions on how to go about re-joining the community. Instructions on how to be Indian again. Instructions on how to be respectful.

I am not judging anyone but I went and found my family and went to South Dakota and did ceremony and studied with an elder when I lived in Seattle. I’ve done sweats many times. No one told me to do this – I just did it! If it’s important to you, you’ll do whatever it takes to feel better.

What adoption did was break and shatter that connection to our culture and it did create a great emptiness and need in adoptees. My friend sadly had to de-friend so many people for her decision but this action was truly vitally important.

It seems so silly to say this but faceb**k is NOT a real place….

Ceremony is how we heal ourselves….



PS: I am sick of faceb**k but there are too many friends there that I want to keep in touch with, need to keep in contact with – it’s literally impossible to leave!

PSS: In days I should be able to drop the DeMeyer last name and start using Hentz.

And here is someone who agrees with me with not sharing so much on social media – HERE


  1. I have a question – why did she “shut down” a group? And why is she proud of doing that? Unless a group’s page or an individual fb page or other website is actively engaged in slander and libel, they have the freedom of speech to say what they want. Even if others don’t agree or “approve.”


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